Monday, March 31, 2008

Stockings for my Cold Feet

This is a long one so be prepared!

I do not have cold feet. However, I did need to put on some stockings this past week...

In the wedding planning there is a lot you have to get done. A lot! you have to buy a dress (which you would never guess but actually takes months), find a caterer, find a location to host all your people, decide which friend's place is overtaken by family as you trim an ever growing guest list, invitations, bridesmaids dresses, photographer, music, etc.

It can be a bit overwhelming. But something that is not talked about enough, is the emotional, financial, and spiritual process people go through of should go through in order to have a good marriage. Mr Scott and I have and are going through premarital counseling and this is definitely been already extremely beneficial. We have learned a lot of life tools that we will be using for years to come in our marriage. I can't recommend it enough.

However, something people don't talk to you about is the self preparation or as I like to call it, the "bitter sweetness" of getting married. The sweetness is that of being in a place in your life you never thought you would reach...of finding that person that loves you more than you thought anyone ever could and who's sentiments you match for the first time ever...of finding something that we all hard search for...of realizing you have someone to share you failures and successes with...of being in a place where forever doesn't ring doomsday bells in your head...of watching your dreams and plans suddenly include someone else. And of knowing that God is faithful to give you exactly what you need and help you discover its exactly what you have always wanted.

But there is a twinge of bitterness. While you haven't been "single" for awhile, you do start to realize how "single" you really have been. Your independence and autonomy will change and though they will not go away, you begin to let go of that and transform your thinking to put that person first, second only to God. I realize how much time I really had as a single girl and question what I did and where all that time went. Did I do enough in my church? Did I be the best friend to my friend I could be? Did I do everything i wanted to do and accomplish? Probably not.

And it makes you evaluate your friendships. Suddenly you see all the excess fat" if you will, of people that were actually acquaintances yet stole your time away from your best friends. It makes you hurt for your best friends and want to fix years of putting them second. You begin trimming and trying to make amends.

And suddenly your best guy friends have to make a choice. “Do I attempt to get to know this new man in her life and develop a relationship with both of them?”, or “do I decided that while I had a great friendship I am not that motivated to keep it and therefore start to back out now?” One of my friends, Chris, has done an amazing job of sticking by me. He truly impresses and amazes me and allows me to realize how much our friendship has meant to him. It is such a special thing to fully realize that a friendship that meant so much to you, is shared by another. Chris has completely stepped up to the plate. He ALWAYS asks about Mr. Scott and also asks about me. When he speaks of coming to visit, it’s to come see the two of us. Sure Chris and I may have phone conversations just the two of us, but he makes a point of making Mr. Scott feel completely included, important, and that he wants to develop a relationship with us. He has adjusted his way of being to be flexible to my new life in a sense. It is amazing for me to watch and it fills me with joy, love, and honor of knowing that someone cares so much about me, that they want to care as much about the person I love. It’s my friends like Chris that give me hope against the other people (who shall remain nameless) who have basically dropped me like a hot potato. Maybe it’s because I was their “substitute girlfriend”…maybe I fed them emotionally or spiritually and now that I am giving that to someone else (or maybe now that they notice I am giving it to someone else), my purpose is served and I am no longer needed. Maybe they don’t like Mr. Scott (though I doubt it). Maybe they feel alone and being around someone with another is too depressing for them. Whatever the reason, it hurts. It makes me feel as though we were never truly friends and that I was just a person to be used for their gains, or simply that I didn’t mean enough to them. While I know opposite sex relationships have to change once you marry, they don’t have to die.

This premature death I am experiencing now in my relationships is killing me. It makes me feel like “that girl” that gets married and loses all sense of self or identity. While these people leave thinking I don’t need them, they miss the main point which is I can’t get through life without them.

So to close…I do not have cold feet. Since the point when “I knew” Mr. Scott was it I have never doubted that. I have never wondered if I am ready for marriage or this change. However, my toes have chilled a little at this loss of friendship and what that means to my idenity. As I cannot depend on anyone to warm my toes, I will simply put on the stockings of knowing that I am gaining much in Mr. Scott and that that is worth almost any loss. AND I will rest in my God who “knows the plans he has for me”…

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